People Are Not Things: Consumerism in Relationships

Join us at our National Gathering, August 18-20th in Dallas, Texas as we talk about what it means to help our congregations move from the mindset of consumerism into a life of community.

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Families are notorious consumers. My fridge is empty more than it’s full. In our house the endless cycle of Legos I have rescued from the abyss of the vacuum cleaner is enough to build Atlantis. No doubt, we consume. There are all kinds of consuming, though. The consuming rooted in the innocence of “I must take in enough to live,” and the not so innocent side of raw materialism. But, in this blog, I want to talk about a type of consumerism mentality that is different from the collection of inanimate objects.

In my family life, I find raw materialism easier to spot than its sinister cousin – manipulating people in order to get them to behave in such a way that it makes me look good. Sometimes we like to call this ‘behavior modification’ but it is really ‘behavior manipulation.’ It is a deeper drive to consume that loves to sneak into my family in disguise. Its twisted sister is legalism. It snuck into my consciousness when my children were growing inside of me. It cloaked itself in dreams and aspirations. I bought into the lie that I could mold these children into exactly what I wanted, they were a blank slate, they were putty in my hands… they were ‘things.’ I had grand notions of a tiger mom who could create perfect children. (Stop laughing. You know you thought it too, at least with that first kid).

In other words, part of my thinking was about how I could use my children as if they were objects, to further my own sense of self, to prop up my ego. A strange way to think of consumerism, but still, this is often how we view the people (and relationships) in our lives – our families, our friends, anyone at all who might get us something we want via the relationship we are in with them. Or, people we don’t notice at all who provide something for us and we fail to see them as the beautiful beings God created them to be. Utilitarian in our approach, we just treat them like ‘things.’ We’d like to think we are above such behavior. But, let’s just be honest with ourselves here.

God, in his infinite patience and grace, let life teach me the error of my thinking. All notions of perfection and control left the building along with my pride and pieces of my sanity when my 18-month-old daughter dressed in a pink dainty dress shouted, “No!” and then proceeded to slap my grandmother. This child with the fierce free will couldn’t be rubber stamped into the mold I had created for her. In fact I came late to the stamping party. Long ago she had been stamped with the Imago Dei, which includes the drive to govern herself.

The first step in battling consumerism, in battling the temptation to treat people as ‘things’ within the family, is to see each member as a glorious creation who has the Imago Dei in them. The second step is to remove our selfish agendas, to quit using our family members’ behavior as a means to prop up our own egos (e.g. “look at what a great parent I am because I am able to get my kid to do things that make me look good.”).

C.S. Lewis famously said, “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.… Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object present to your senses.”(1) My friend, Gary Moon, likes to say that humans consist of roughly one third: nature, one third: nurture, and one third: free will. One third is all we parents have been given by God – who regards our children as made in his image. He, who has been in pursuit of them since their beginning, longs for them to grow in independence and a life with him. While their life with God includes us, it is not controlled by us.

This means I have to throw out the notions of children perfectly crafted into my dreams and aspirations. With the one third I have been given, I train them to govern their own life. I open the space for them to root themselves in God. I invite them to govern their lives with God. Admittedly this is a scary prospect. That last one third of free will is going to wreak havoc.(2) It is an undisputed fact that we learn through our failures, not our virtues.

Honoring choice is the kiss of death to consumerism. It is the kiss of death to turning people into things. Think about every TV advertisement you have ever seen. Manipulation is the method, not informed choice. Children who have been treated like human beings, who are valued for their ‘be-ing’ and not their ‘do-ing’ learn the difference between ‘humanness’ and ‘thingness.’

As parents, we take this a step further and train them in the fine art of noticing. Noticing when the media tempts us to turn people into things. Noticing that the behavior of bullying and racism is turning people into things. We notice where our clothing is made. We notice how the company we support with our dollars treats people. We ask them to help us notice when we lapse. We notice when they lapse. We enter the space of the merciful Father together and ask forgiveness. And we start again.

How do we view and treat our children? How do we view and treat those around us? Our boss? Our employee? The mail-carrier? The person who bags our groceries? I remember the first time I thought about this with some intention. I had to sit down. I had to cry. I had to say I was sorry.

But this battling of consumerism, this refusal to treat people as a means to prop up our own egos is what actually leads to real, true and authentic community in my family and in the village around me.
We help each other live into the belief that people are not things – they are human beings created in the image of God.

Parting words from those who can say it better than I:

First from John, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8 NKJV)

The last word to C.S. Lewis, “Love in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feeling but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people.”(3)

Lacy Finn Borgo is the author of Life with God for Children, a Renovaré curriculum for spiritual formation with children. She is the coauthor of Good Dirt: A Devotional for the Spiritual Formation of Families, which is built around the Seasons of the Church. She teaches at retreats and conferences. It is her joy to walk with people on their spiritual journey. She lives in Colorado with her husband, two children and a passel of farm animals who consume everything in sight.

(1)C.S. Lewis. The Weight of Glory. HarperCollins: New York. 1980.45

(2)This is not to say we don’t create boundaries or consequences for poor choices. It is to say, however, that the boundaries and consequences are for the sake of learning. Parents are there to teach a child to co-govern, with God, their own lives.

(3)C.S. Lewis. Mere Christianity. Macmillian: New York. 1952. 117.